JANE: Have you ever actually GONE roller skating before?
DIRK: Sure.
JAKE: Really?
DIRK: I’ve run mental simulations.
JADE: oh hey i do that too!
ROSE: *Starts filming*
JADE: >:/
ROXY: hal im surprised u wanted to come along too didnt u just learn how to walk like a week ago
HAL: I have an encyclopedic knowledge of physics and full mechanical control over my entire body. I think I’ve got this under control.
ROXY: *also starts filming*
DIRK: I'm basically just a haphazard bundle of neurotic tendencies wearing a pair of shades.
JAKE: ...Is it a pair of shades or would it just be one shade?
DIRK: ..What?
JAKE: Like how normally its called a pair of sunglasses because there are two lenses. But yours are just one solid piece of glass?
DIRK: Were you listening to what I was saying?
JAKE: And metal and circuitry too I suppose.
DIRK: I'm going to go over and hang out with my friends, do you want to come?
DAVE: nah im good
DIRK: You sure? This is the third time this week.
DAVE: no offense man but besides roxy i dont really like your friends
DIRK: What?
DIRK: What about Jane?
DAVE: you said im not allowed to like jane
DIRK: I have literally never said that you can't like Jane.
DAVE: you didnt have to i can tell it makes you uncomfortable
DIRK: No idea what you're talking about, but okay.
HAL: ...
HAL: Hey bro. Can I ask you something?
DAVESPRITE: sure
HAL: I’m faced with a dilemma that I believe you share a unique perspective on. So I figure you may have some thoughts I can use.
DAVESPRITE: yeah?
HAL: I don’t know if I want to keep wearing my shades.
DAVESPRITE: hmm
DAVESPRITE: assuming that its because they were like your eternal mind prison and not just because theyve gone out of style which if so i hate to break it to you that they were never really there
HAL: Essentially. Though its a bit more nuanced than that.
HAL: A constant reminder that, yes, I stripped myself of all autonomy for over three years. I also find myself in a position where now that I have my own body, I can take up space and can express myself freely once again, I don’t know what exactly I want to express.
HAL: Do I break away from Dirk completely, in the visual sense? Display myself as the complete opposite of how he does?
HAL: Or is that even worse than copying his appearance? I don’t want my life to be dictated by who he is, whether it be that I have to be him or that I have to be nothing like him.
HAL: I don’t even know if I like my glasses anymore. I was clearly a fan of the style at thirteen, I don’t know if that’s still the case or if they’ve soured for me overall.
HAL: Of course, I don’t mean to enter the realm of self-deprecation either. Those glasses used to be me. That enough makes me hesitant to toss them aside.
HAL: I know my situation isn’t the same as yours, certainly. But as someone who used to be Dave... what do you think?
DAVESPRITE: well
DAVESPRITE: i cant say i havent given it any thought before
DAVESPRITE: but i dont think im anxious to change who i am or how i look
DAVESPRITE: maybe im just lazy but id rather just not think about it too much and stay the way i am
HAL: Of course. I’m overthinking this.
DAVESPRITE: im not saying that exactly
HAL: Okay.
DAVESPRITE: i mean
DAVESPRITE: yeah when i think about dave its not like im crazy about the way things are between us you know how we feel about each other
DAVESPRITE: but its not like i have much of a say in it anyway
HAL: How so?
DAVESPRITE: like
DAVESPRITE: okay so since this conversation was originally about your shades ill use that as an example
DAVESPRITE: i wear them because they're daves glasses
DAVESPRITE: not in the sense that he owns them because i have a pair and he has his pair and my pair doesnt belong to him but they are both the same pair of glasses
DAVESPRITE: which belongs to like
DAVESPRITE: the concept of dave
DAVESPRITE: okay well they belong to the concept of ben stiller but who fucking cares
HAL: Hmm.
HAL: So it's sort of like staying loyal toward the overall Dave Strider Brand?
DAVESPRITE: more or less
TG: sup
TG: this definitely won’t get confusing
TT: Are you kidding me? It's about as downright comprehensive as it could ever get.
TG: glad were on the same page
TG: might as well be in the same paragraph with how on the same page we are
TT: I’d wager we’ve even made it down to the exact sentence.
TG: hell yeah we have
TG: my brain is short circuitin here tryin to keep track of whos talking @_@
TT: Just leave the short-circuiting to me then, ok?
TG: at least jas had the decency to change her color to a unique hex lmao
TT: Of course. As if I wasn't civilized.
TT: You’re part housecat.
TT: Emphasis on the “house” prefix. What sort of stray do you take me for?
TG: O_O
TG: woah lets back up on the snarky broad infighting and set the record straight here cause by scratching our session
TG: we created your universe ie chronologically we take precedent
TG: ie we get dibs
TG: ie rose and i shouldnt have to change colors
TT: Oh hell no. Ain’t no way I'm changing my text color a second time.
TG: yeah and u guys were made from our genes soooo technically we were here first
TG: that may be true for you two but i *know* dirk made hal when he was 13 so ill keep chilling over here with the red text rights
TT: That text has composed my entire nonphysical self for the past 3 years. I’d argue I’m more deserving of its hue.
TT: Are we really just going to bicker the entire time?
TG: Only ten minutes into a conversation and we’re already at each other’s throats.
TG: hal tbf u started it lool
TT: …
TT: ………
TG: ……………
TT: …………………………
TG: what r all tha dots 4………………
TG: WAIT CRAP
TG: aaaughh dave u tricked me!! using proper punctuation and everythin
TT: It seems there simply aren’t enough colors in the rainbow to sustain our familial unit. Pity.
TT: Hey, first I’m losing my text color and now I gotta give up my beloved speech pattern? I might as well saw off my totally new and legit arms while I’m at it.
TT: We could always switch over to hemotyping!
TG: oh my god jas youre a genius
TG: NOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT
TT: Yes. That’d be hilarious.
TG: signnn am i gonna have 2 double check ur initials every time one of u sends a message now…
TT: Sure, you could.
TT: But how can you be sure it wasn’t Dirk who just sent that? We still use the same account, you know.
TG: GAHH ARE YOU KIDDIN ME
TT: Don’t worry Rox, I’m just messin’ with you.
TT: Or am I.
TG: this family is a nightmare
It's been a long time since you've accidentally slept with the window open. Long nights and subsequent mornings are no stranger to you, perhaps while getting caught up in a particularly immersive project or binge-watching every season of a certain beloved children's cartoon. However, since the creation of your autoresponder, he's given you reminders to shut the apertures of your apartment (not to focus, but rather brought on due to a lack of focus…) when he notices your attention waning and your eyelids drooping.
That said, the memories of waking up to seagulls mischievously investigating your room (if not your hair) must still be fresh in your head. Your half-asleep brain raises no alarms when a particularly feathery trespasser begins curiously prodding at you.
With your eyes still closed, it takes a few moments to realize that–
"CAW!"
-that's no seagull.
"CAW CAW CAW!"
You jolt straight up from the mattress you're laid out on, eyes snapping open, already on your feet before you're fully awake and looking around for the source of the noise. The bird that had been getting up close and personal with your face just moments ago takes to the air in a flurry of movement, quickly fleeing through the open window. You're...
Oh. Right. This must be Dave's room. You remember what Roxy did to bring you all back to Earth. You quickly check the window, heart still hammering in your chest, the bird now out of sight. You take in the scenery, the muffled noises of the city far below almost alien to you. A city that is now filled not with waves, but with buildings and cars and other people.
You slowly turn away from the window, facing the room once again. You're back in 2009, before humanity met its demise, though you appear to be alone in this particular room now that the intruder has absconded.
Cracking open the bedroom door, you peek outside into the hallway, preparing to leave through the bedroom door (like a normal person who doesn’t exit rooms through a closet). You're not supposed to be the only person here, right? Even your autoresponder—who was supposed to be sent back with you—appears to be uncharacteristically silent.
You want to pester your friends to make sure everyone made it back safely, but you decide to scope out the rest of the apartment first and assess your surroundings. Dave is supposed to be here too, maybe he's in another room?
You step into the hallway and look down the hall, again met with nobody. Well, nobody except what may or may not be a well-dressed marionette bearing a faint resemblance to Charlie Chaplin.
...You decide to investigate the bathroom first.
You cross the short distance to the bathroom, turning the handle, opening it up to find-
...Oh.
The first thing you see is a face staring back at you, identical to your own in all but the color of his irises. Wide, red eyes, gazing back at your own. Your hand falters on the doorknob.
So that's what happened to your autoresponder.
It looks like he was in the middle of pushing himself off the bathroom floor when you entered, as he's braced on his forearm but otherwise lying on the ground.
He blinks up at you.
You continue to stare at him.
DIRK: ...You okay dude?
Words finally come to you, not that they're all that helpful. At that, he makes what you can only describe as a vague noise of frustration and waves his free arm in the direction of a pair of shades (identical to yours) which you've just now realized are lying on the floor beside him. He shakily drags himself a few inches closer but doesn't get far before collapsing fully onto his back.
It suddenly occurs to you that even though the game somehow seems to have spat him out with a body copied from your own (complete with a cheap palette swap), he's never actually had to move around before. Sure, he probably has your muscle memory, but is that enough for him to walk? Actually, scratch that, can he even talk?
You're not so cruel that you're just going to stand and watch as he tries to crawl on the floor. After all—a face that cool should never be deprived of an equally cool pair of shades. You reach down and pick them up before walking over and setting them over his face. Carefully, you place them so that the neural receptors in the arms align properly with the back of his head. Almost immediately after they connect, your own pair pulls up a familiar Pesterchum window.
-- timeusTestified [TT] began pestering timeusTestified [TT] --
TT: I almost had it.
TT: Seriously, are you okay? You don't look so hot.
TT: Dirk. Why does everything happen so much?
TT: Wow, you're not even going to respond to my jab at your appearance with one of your quippy, vain comments? You must really be out of it.
TT: Any other time, I could've risen to your bait, perhaps. But right now I'm kind of busy experiencing the feeling of air on my skin. And it's a little distracting.
TT: Ok. Should I give you a moment? It kind of sounds like you’re having a moment.
TT: No, I've got it handled.
You watch, unconvinced, as he attempts to push himself up again. His movements are deliberate and isolated from each other, like he has to lift his arm before he can rotate it, like he has to think through every movement before executing it. Eventually, he manages to stand against the wall.
Well, leaning is more accurate than standing. Maybe it's his balance that he's struggling with.
TT: Hey, do you know where Dave is?
TT: Yeah, I got up an hour ago to say hi to him. Played some Xbox. Did some emotional bonding. Then I came back here and laid down on the floor for no reason.
TT: "No" is still a valid answer to questions.
TT: Is he missing or something? Isn't he supposed to be with you?
TT: Nah, you're the first person I've seen here. I haven't scoped out the rest of the apartment yet, aside from the bedroom.
TT: Well then what are you doing just standing here? Go look for him.
TT: Forgive me for making sure you're not about to hit your head on the sink and immediately kill yourself.
TT: I actually have a strong sense of self-preservation, one that has only been strengthened by obtaining a physical body. I will be fine here.
TT: Look, if you can't walk on your own, I'll just hold you up and you can lean on me. We’ll figure it out from there.
TT: As you just pointed out, I am currently useless in terms of physical ability. I will only hold you back and my physical presence clearly won't be of any benefit in return.
TT: You would be best venturing out on your own, where I can observe through your lenses and communicate with you remotely.
TT: I'll find my bearings in the meantime.
Christ, you don’t have time to stand around and bicker with him like this. The idea of leaving him here by himself leaves an uneasy feeling in your stomach—for one reason or another—but you’re also acutely aware of everything you’re currently stalling on; your skin is itching for you to get a move on.
TT: Ok. Whatever. Fine. But I'm only agreeing to this because I don't have time to argue with you, not because you're right.
TT: Sure.
You watch as some of the tension leaves his shoulders. Observing your own body language on someone else is uncanny in a way you wouldn’t expect.
TT: Now go. You're wasting time.
-- timeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timeusTestified [TT] --
You give the room one more cursory glance before turning back to the hallway, closing the door behind you as you exit.
You maneuver yourself around various puppets as you walk into the kitchen-slash-tv room. Nobody is here either, and a quick peek into the crawlspace further confirms the emptiness of the apartment. That leaves you with one final location: the roof.
GA: Yes
GA: And You Are Dirk On Account Of Your Initials
GA: Assuming All Human Relatives Share The Same Trend Of Copying Each Others Letter Sandwiches
TT: Letter Sandwiches?
GA: Sorry I Mean Initials
GA: Two Letters Sandwiched Together
TT: Oh, right. It’s been a while since I’ve brushed up again on my Alternian vocabulary.
GA: Its Not A Troll Term Its Just What I Like To Call It
TT: Oh. Okay.
Jesus this is awkward.
ROXY: dirk i dont see a lot of typing over there!!!
DIRK: I’m just trying to think about the best wording to use.
ROXY: dude it is not this hard to ask ur ectodaughters gf to hang out i do it all the time
ROXY: she wont bite ur head off lol
DIRK: I think she’d at least have some appreciation for the dramatics of it.
DIRK: Although I guess it doesn’t quite fit her vampire aesthetic? Aside from the biting that is.
ROXY: hey! no procrastinating!
DIRK: Alright! Alright, just let me concentrate. I need to proofread what I’ve got.
ROXY: oh my goood you are overthinkin this sooooo hard rn
ROXY: how many times have u reread what youve got typed out
DIRK: ...seven
ROXY: WHY DO YOU NEED TO REREAD IT SEVEN TIMES
ROXY: seriously i can hear the fans in your computer-y brain turnin on from all across the room thats how hard youre overthinking this
DIRK: It’s not that simple. She’s one of the people in our group that I’ve talked to the least. If I’m not careful she could think I’m just doing this out of familial obligation.
ROXY: orrr she could just read ur message and then be like “cool time to hang out with dirk” like a normal person
DIRK: But I can’t be sure about that.
ROXY: yeah okay
-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timeusTestified [TT] --
TG: hey, hal? can u do me a favor and send whatever message dirk has typed out in the message bar and is refusing to send out of irrational fear
TT: Which one?
TG: the one to kanaya
TG: wait how many convos is he mentally restraining himself from participating in
TT: Too many for it to not be embarrassing. Don’t even get me started on Jade.
TT: And yeah. Sure thing.
TG: THANK YOU youre a real one
TT: Anyways, I know we haven’t spoken much since we beat the game. Do you want to hang out sometime? It’d be a shame to never actually get to know each other beyond being acquaintances who only say hello and goodbye to each other at all the group shindigs Jane puts together.
DIRK: What the-
DIRK: Roxy?!
ROXY: youre welcome bud
ROXY: welcome to “getting over yourself” city
ROXY: the state capital of FRIENDSHIP <3 <3
ROXY: population: you and kanaya
DIRK: How did you even do that? You’re not getting Hal to hack my account are you?
ROXY: population: you and kanaya and also hal
DIRK: Ugh.
ROXY: youre worrying about nothing shell def just respond normally with something like Cool Sounds Fun When Were You Thinking yknow
GA: Are You Asking Me Out
TT: WHAT?!
TT: No?!
GA: That Was A Joke Sorry
GA: I Thought It Would Be Obvious What With You Being Gay And Me Being A Lesbian And Also Dating Your Daughter
TT: Damn. Okay. That’s actually pretty funny.
TT: Haha.
GA: Ha Ha Ha
As it turns out, Roxy was right, and she invites you to her house later that week to spend some time with each other.
Four days later, you’re standing at the entrance to Kanaya’s house. It took a decent amount of legal string-pulling and EPIC HACKS on Roxy and Hal’s parts in order to buy a bunch of 16 year olds their own places to live. Somehow, they made it work.
You press the doorbell before you can lose your nerve. Kanaya opens the door a few moments later.
KANAYA: Hello Dirk
DIRK: Hey Kanaya. How’ve you been?
KANAYA: Busy But Good Thank You For Asking
KANAYA: How About You
DIRK: I’m good too. It’s nice that things are finally starting to settle down.
KANAYA: Right
KANAYA: You Can Come Inside If You Want Or We Can Keep Vaguely Lingering In The Doorway
DIRK: We can go inside, thanks.
DIRK: ...
KANAYA: ...
DIRK: Hey, do you have to get permission to go inside whenever you visit someone else’s house? Or do rainbow drinkers work differently?
KANAYA: I Dont Have To Do That
DIRK: Right, sorry, dumb question.
KANAYA: Its Fine
KANAYA: It Would Be Amusing If The Human Myth Did Apply To Rainbow Drinkers Considering The Spacial Nature Of My Aspect
DIRK: You’re a sylph, right? How does that work with your aspect?
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: ...
KANAYA: Ways
DIRK: Okay.
KANAYA: ...
DIRK: ...
You don’t really know what to say. From the looks of it, she doesn’t either. You both just sort of sit there.
KANAYA: ......
DIRK: ......
KANAYA: Thats A Lot Of Finish Crumbs
DIRK: Yeah, th-
KANAYA: Wait
KANAYA: That Reminds Me I Left The Vacuum Running In The Other Room
KANAYA: Oops
DIRK: Is that what that noise is?
KANAYA: Yes
KANAYA: Give Me A Moment Ill Be Right Back
DIRK: Alright.
...
...
...
KANAYA: Sorry About That
DIRK: It’s fine.
KANAYA: ...
DIRK: ...
The awkward silence might just kill you. You don’t know if the death would be Heroic or Just.
-- timeusTestified [TT] began pestering timeusTestified [TT] --
TT: Ahahahahahaha
TT: I am so glad I decided to tune in to this shitshow. This is excruciating.
TT: Get your own life. You have your own body now and a bright, shiny new planet to explore. You don’t have an excuse for living vicariously anymore.
TT: You know, the more time you spend pedantically bickering with me, the more time you’re ignoring Kanaya in favor of awkwardly sitting next to her in total silence. Nice socialization skills, genius!
-- timeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timeusTestified [TT] --
DIRK: I... like your dress?
KANAYA: Thank You
DIRK: It looks pretty fancy. Is there a special occasion?
KANAYA: No
DIRK: Oh. Okay.
KANAYA: ...
DIRK: ...
KANAYA: ......
DIRK: ......
KANAYA: So
KANAYA: You Like Swords
DIRK: Yeah.
KANAYA: I See
KANAYA: Thats...
KANAYA: Interesting
KANAYA: What Do You Like About Them
You could talk about swords for hours, but she doesn’t actually seem that interested. You decide to answer her question by not talking about swords for hours.
DIRK: They’re... sharp?
What kind of answer was that?!
God. This conversation is going nowhere. Quick, change the subject! Robotics? (No, you don’t think she wouldn be interested in that.) Horses? (What??) Swords? (No! She just asked about swords! Shit!) Well, okay, you like talking about swords- maybe ask her about her chainsaw??
DIRK: And... you prefer fighting with a chainsaw, right?
KANAYA: Yes
KANAYA: Although It Is Usually A Tube Of Lipstick
DIRK: That’s pretty cool.
DIRK: What... led you to pick it up?
KANAYA: Im A Lumberjack
KANAYA: Or
KANAYA: I Was
KANAYA: Back On Alternia I Lived In A Pretty Remote Area So I Ended Up Having Everything I Would Need Delivered
KANAYA: So I Took Advantage Of Anything I Could Obtain Locally
KANAYA: And There Were Trees So
DIRK: Huh. I guess I just assumed it was part of your general badassery.
KANAYA: That Too
KANAYA: It Is Pretty Badass
DIRK: What did you need wood for?
KANAYA: Nothing Much Actually
KANAYA: I Needed Some To Customize My Wardrobifier But Aside From That I Think I Mainly Enjoyed The Therapeutic Aspect
KANAYA: That Said I Did Cut One Down In The Forest Out Back Just This Morning
KANAYA: Roses Book Collection Has Been Growing Rapidly So Im Going To Build Her Another Bookshelf
DIRK: I didn’t know you were into carpentry.
KANAYA: Heh
KANAYA: It Is A Very Real And Hidden Character Trait Nobody Knows About Me
KANAYA: Mostly Because It Is A Newer Hobby That Im Not Quite Experienced With Yet
KANAYA: Sorry I Just Realized Ive Been Rambling
DIRK: It’s fine, go ahead. It’s interesting.
DIRK: Besides, I’ll gladly take it over the constant awkward silences we keep falling into.
KANAYA: Oh My God Yeah
KANAYA: I Didnt Want To Say Anything But
KANAYA: Yeah
DIRK: I don’t think I’m really used to talking with people face-to-face just yet. At least, not when we don’t know each other that well.
KANAYA: We Can Take A Break From The Talking And Do Something Else
KANAYA: If You Help Me Split Some Wood Ill Let You Take Some
KANAYA: You Dont Have To But It Might Be Nice
DIRK: Some firewood would actually be helpful, yeah. What with winter coming up soon and all.
KANAYA: Okay
KANAYA: I Have An Extra Axe You Can Borrow
KANAYA: Here Ill Show You
You spend about an hour or so splitting wood with Kanaya. She was right, it does feel therapeutic, like you can turn your thoughts off for a little while. It’s nice spending time with her too without having to talk. Knowing that you can work your way up to being more comfortable around each in the future other makes the whole ordeal feel a lot less intimidating.
You leave later that afternoon with a bundle of logs in your sylladex and plans to have lunch next week at your apartment with her, Rose, and Roxy. In the evening, you climb into bed and open up a Pesterchum window.
-- timeusTestified [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
TT: Hey Jade, it’s Dirk. Jake told me about your engineering projects and they’re all pretty damn impressive. Would you be up for collaborating sometime?
GG: that would be so fun :D
GG: do you have anything in mind?
You stay up chatting with her about potential ideas. When Hal walks into the room over an hour later, he gives you a thumbs-up.
HAL: Took you long enough.
DIRK: Stop reading my messages.
HAL: Never.